Ashbloemstraat

Photos from that Christmas 2005, Meridian Room.

Creeping anxiety.

I have been going through a stage of uncommon anxiety. Twice this week I have needed to stop the car before getting to my destination to just close my eyes and take some deep breaths. I've completely lost my appetite the past couple of days (however, I also think I've lost a couple pounds, so I'm not going to complain about this particular side effect). During the VP debates last night I could hardly keep my breathing under control, so to some degree I might blame my unease on Sarah Palin (did NO ONE notice how condescending she can be?). Last night I did have uneasy dreams about Palin's smarmy face and Joe Biden's blinding teeth, which means I didn't sleep very well. So I'm also just quite tired.

But seriously, I don't know why I am feeling this way. Everything is so good right now.

I think I just need some yoga and a massage.

We have started moving into the new place. I was eager to see if it was as I remembered. There are some disappointments - well, only two, really. One is that the bathroom is smaller and darker than even I remembered it (and I knew it was the house's weak spot), and the landlord did it no favors by painting it a sort of dark pea green. What a terrible choice! But this can be fixed by a lick of paint, so I'll try to do that as soon as possible. It DOES have a lovely old bathtub which I'm anxious to enjoy. I can't do anything about making it bigger, but I can freshen it up so it is relatively pleasant. The second problem is that the previous tenants were smokers, and despite the new paint and replacement blinds, I can still smell it. David says he can't, but I think his nose has been burned by working in bars. But I am sure after a few days of open windows and lovely candles, it will fade. Speaking of open windows, most had been painted shut, and David, my wonderful liefje, went over and got them all open for me when I almost panicked we wouldn't be able to. LOVE! HIM!

Otherwise? It's perfect. It's cute; it doesn't NEED anything; it's within walking distance to Big Buck Safari and Lakewood Landing; it is a nice size. It even comes with its own cat - a little tiny grey & white tabby that lives outside and apparently belonged to the previous tenants. Sort of. I'm excited to get in and close the chapter on the house we are in.

Seriously though. Tight chest. Little dizzy. What the hell?

Meridian Room

I am sad that one of our favorite places, Meridian Room, closed this past weekend.

For those of you who do not know, Meridian Room is where I met David for an innocent drink on Friday, December 23, 2005. David had found my blog (my old one, which is now no longer available online, though I have the exported files from it) after searching for me online. To this day he says he isn't quite sure why he searched for me, except that we had had that fling five Christmases before, and I came to mind, and he was curious about me. I don't think he was planning on falling in love, or even making out with me, considering he had a girlfriend. And I was hanging out with my sister at her house, in my pajamas, and had to force myself out to fulfill the committment I had made to meet him for that one drink to catch up. I knew it would be nice to see him, and I told myself maybe I'd at least get a little fun smooch out of the evening. I had broken up with Pal the year before, and did not want a relationship, but making out with the cute boy from years before seemed like a worthwhile enough reason to get out of my pajamas. I put on my black miniskirt, a plain black long-sleeved t-shirt, my camel suede boots, and my chocolate brown cardigan I had knit for myself just a few weeks prior.

I sat at the very end of the bar, near the door, where the beer taps are. I ordered a Stella. I did not see David. I'm quite sure I was reading something, but I can't remember what. Probably a Dallas Observer. David came in from the back door and saw me first. He looked different than when I last saw him a couple years before - his hair was cut extremely short, and he had facial hair. He was just as cute though.

He sat down with his Maredsous. We chatted a bit. There was nothing in our conversation that would have led me to believe that this was the man I would marry one day. We each ordered a Maker's. And another. Maybe even a third, now that I think about it. Perhaps we were flirting a bit, but not much. I had asked him about whether he had a girlfriend, which he had said he did. I had asked about what she did and what she was like. I was no longer entertaining the idea that we would make out, and that was fine. We were having a nice time just catching up. But I guess Maker's made me a little too loose-lipped.

Me: "Well, I admit, I'm a little disappointed to know now you have a girlfriend." Davey: "Oh?" Me: "Yeah, I sort of thought we might make out." Davey: "Well now I'm disappointed!"

There were smiles and chuckles, but then our knees touched - maybe by accident, maybe not - and I swear to god something electric happened to us, and my heart leaped. There was, within that second, an energy I neither expected nor wanted, but it could not be ignored by either one of us. And that was that. The atoms of our body made a decision for us. And it's exactly what I have felt every day since when I touch him.

I don't know how falling in love works. Whether it is mental, or chemical, or fate, or something else we will never understand. But I know it happened in an instant, at the end of the bar at Meridian Room, when we both least expected it.

Since we moved back, we had gone regularly there for dates, to celebrate us and our luck. Also because they had great food. Once David started working Wednesdays we went much less, but still managed to make it now and again.

We went just a couple weeks ago, unaware the bar was soon to close. We sat in the exact same spots as when we met there three years ago. I am glad we got a visit in, seated in those spots, before it closed for good. Like bookends to the first stages of our relationship.

I've reprinted my original post from that night below. Thanks, Meridian Room. I know nothing lasts forever, but I am really really sad you are gone.

**********

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 10:57:31 -0500 Ashbloem Kissed speechless.

Last night I did something I hadn't done in a long while; a simple pleasure: I made out in a parking lot, leaning up against a car. Only this kiss was unlike any kiss I've had in the past three years; I could feel it in my appendix. I could feel it in my teeth. The blood rushed through the hole in my heart and pressed against my sternum. It peeled the nail polish off my toes and when I pulled away I swear for a minute that I forgot everything and anything existed outside of that kiss. Who was I? Am I supposed to be somewhere? Do I know this person?

A drunken homeless man shuffled past us. "Boooy," he said, "you better marry dat girl if you gonna kiss her like dat."

Spanish fly, oysters, potato, mandrake root: keep them all. I will take a couple glasses of Maker's Mark any day. I am convinced there is no aphrodisiac that compares to it.

And then I got home and found wonderful drunken email which almost did me in completely with joy. I flung myself prostrate on the bed and had to bite my hand I was so happy.

And drunk. I was a little drunk.

Things keep coming my way.

Yesterday a co-worker says, "A cold front is coming in this week!"

Me: "Oh really? That's great! I can wear my boots!"

"Yeah, it's supposed to be no warmer than 85 degrees!"

Only in Texas can the temperature dropping to 85 be considered a "cold front". Guess those boots will have to wait a while longer.

So next week I am being flown to Boston for a job interview. I just got a job here that I like a lot, but when I was asked if I would come up for a chat about this other job, I figured "Why not?" Right? Since I'm not actively pursuing another job I'm mostly doing it out of curiosity. I mean, it COULD be really cool. And more money. So I feel I should at least have the conversation. Don't you?

But I still feel a bit guilty. Sigh.

I'm so tired.

Chimney falls and lovers blaze
Thought that I was young
Now I've freezing hands and bloodless veins
As numb as I've become

I'm so tired
I wish I was the moon tonight

Last night I dreamt I had forgotten my name
'Cause I had sold my soul but awoke just the same
I'm so lonely
I wish I was the moon tonight

God blessed me, I'm a free man
With no place free to go
I'm paralyzed and collared-tight
No pills for what I fear

This is crazy
I wish I was the moon tonight

Chimney falls and lovers blaze
Thought that I was young
Now I've freezing hands & bloodless veins
As numb as I've become

I'm so tired,
I wish I was the moon tonight

How will you know if you found me at last
'Cause I'll be the one, be the one, be the one
With my heart in my lap
I'm so tired, I'm so tired
I wish I was the moon tonight

A boring post, I'll say outright.

Well, progress has been made. Miss V will still take a bit of time, but a few days of joining the cheerleaders as manager and a baby-sitting job seem to have done wonders for her. And Miss F is just a super-star, and I'll never have to worry about her. So, fingers crossed, we have two much happier girls in our midst. Which makes it easier for EVERYONE.

We have made a lot of progress in the packing as well. The office, hallway, and living room is packed. That leaves the bedroom and the kitchen. But I think we'll make a lot of headway on those this weekend. And then on October 1 we officially have a new place! I am so excited. I realized last night how little I really remember of the house itself - you know, the details. I am not worried it, as I am a very intuitive renter - I know when I walk in a place whether I will be happy there - but I can't remember things like exactly how big the second bedroom's closet is and whether I think the desk will fit in what we will use as an office area, and so on, and so forth. Whether there is a hall closet. Apparently I paid no attention to closets.

Last night Misses V and F had their first baby-sitting job for a friend of mine, so David and I took the opportunity to have a bit of a spur of the moment date. We went to Bolsa, where David's friend who runs the place was pleased to see us, and chit-chatted away, and recommended an awesome grenache and gave us an order of bruschetta. We sat outside, the weather perfect, and since I was quite sleepy from not much sleep the night before, I felt myself being lulled by the wine, the tiny breeze, the sexy company, the general feeling of happy satisfaction. We went home and I forced myself to pack two boxes before we flopped on the couch, watched a couple episodes of The Office, and then off to bed I went. It was a much better sleep last night, but not long enough. I had to force myself up. I was glad the girls did not have school today. That bought me an extra hour or so of sleep.

Moderately busy weekend coming up. David works tonight, and the girls have a football game and party, so I may use the opportunity to have some quiet packing time. Or I may go to the bar and hang out. Don't know yet. With all this perfect weather I am still wanting a Lee Harvey's night, but that probably won't happen tonight unless I can convince the sister to go. Hm. Saturday night, Meredith's birthday, and Neko Case. Sunday late lunch with my father. Sunday night is an event at Bolsa Davey's friend was excited about and wanted us to come to, and that sounded really fun, but probably not on the agenda unless we get out of my Dad's place at a decent time. Sigh. So much wine, so little time.

Still organizing the Double Wide flea market, y'all. It will be Sunday, October 5 from 12 to 7pm. Come down and have a look at all our stuff. Should be really fun. Shopping and beer - a winning combination.

Culture shock.

We're definitely settling into some serious culture shock and associate sadness with one of the girls, and I have to tell you it is kicking my ass a little bit. I guess at this stage I am so OVER culture shock, having done it several times, knowing what to expect and when - I know I'll love it the first month, hate it the second and third, then ease into regular life and start to like the place (or not) for what it is, but not for any expectations I had or did not have of it - that it is hard for me to deal with someone struggling for the first time. Someone who is seventeen and has never been far from her small town in southwest Germany. A big ol' city like Dallas is a long long way from there. And not just physically.

Well, to be honest, that isn't true. I can deal with her homesickness just fine. It's more that at this stage she is willingly focusing only on what she perceives to be the bad things. I just want to shake her a little and say "YO, YOU GOT IT GOOD, GIRL". But I guess she'll get there. Sigh sigh sigh. I've had to tell her no phone or IM during the week to her boyfriend and mom, as it isn't helping. Even this morning, she asked plaintively if she can get more credit for her phone, to which I had to say "Of course you can. On Friday."

Mostly she's hung up on wanting to be a cheerleader - she is a cheerleader at home, and it is something in which she feels confident of her abilities.. She wants it SO BAD it is palpable. And she doesn't think it is fair they will not let her try out. And while I wish there was some provision for students who come in the semester after try-outs, it just is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. And she is having a very hard time accepting this. Nay - she is arguing it with me all the time. Finally last night and today I just had to say GIVE IT UP PLZ. I can't explain it anymore. That's how the high school system works in America. Deal.

This all, of course, puts my college study time in Italy in clear perspective. At the time I was unwilling to admit I could be going through culture shock. It was everything else but that, of course: people are unfriendly, Florence is dirty, Italians are annoying (well, I still agree with that last one sometimes). But by the end I liked it pretty well, and all the crappy parts from the beginning fell away. I probably would not say it was one of the best times in my life, but I can certainly say I learned a LOT. And I ate great food and drank good wine, and made a couple good friends. So hopefully my young Miss V will at least be able to have that kind of experience. It's important, either way it goes.

Sometimes it is harder than I thought it would be.

Today was a hard day. It was good too, in some ways. I was a mom all day - helping hurts, giving hugs, trying to keep myself from being too protective, letting them learn their own lessons. I let one cry and took them both to Oktoberfest to cheer them up. After it all, I dropped them off at my sister's, where they are currently living, and I came home feeling tired and vulnerable and generally sensitive after staying upbeat and level-headed all day. I came home to pack and when I walked in the door - I don't know why - I suddenly remembered I missed the one-year mark of putting Marley down.  And the tears just came. I feel terrible about forgetting that little guy for even a little bit; terrible that I'm not a good 'mom' and I can't take the girls' homesickness away. I feel so helpless. I couldn't help that poor little cat. I can't make everything wonderful for these girls.

Maybe I don't have it in me to be a mom after all. It's such an emotional ass-kicking. Maybe I'm not as good at letting things go as I thought. I don't know how people do this for the rest of their lives. Maybe I should just stick to leading tours, when I only have them ten days.

And poor Marley. I miss his little tongue.

Shoes, Dallas life, my husband, and my cats.

Whoa, that was some drama, huh? Anonymous comments, offense, defense, and even NOT Jeff Gannon joined the mix! This must be what it feels like to write on Jezebel or something.

But it's interesting, because that little interaction helped me in a couple of ways. First of all, it was a bit cathartic to write out some of my political philosophies, because generally I avoid politics as a topic of conversation. It's too rife with tension; people become offended too easily. For example, I totally and out of character did become offended by that anonymous comment - not the politics of it so much; I had already stated that women who vote Republican just simply don't fit into a logic I am capable of understanding (see post Things I Don't Understand), but if I was offended by every Republican woman I have met/know then I'd be in a constant state of offense. I took issue with that statement "If you are truly liberal...". And who knows? Maybe she wasn't saying ME directly. Maybe she meant "If ONE is truly", you know? It would have lost the personal tone it seemed to take if that word was different. And I think people do that a lot. I guess it all comes down to UNCLEAR GRAMMAR. HA!

Second, it helped me realize that I have to stop it with the American politics stuff. I mean, the kind of system and life I want just does not and will not exist here. So I have to stop worrying about it, take some damn Dutch lessons, and move back to the Netherlands, where I DID have the kind of life I want. Or at least just the "stop worrying" part. The problems we face here are deep and systematic, and while I think a McCain-Palin win would be devastating for this country, I'm not sure an Obama-Biden win is going to solve much either. So I'm ordering myself to step back, maybe even take a week off reading/listening to campaign coverage. The hard part of this is that, honestly, NPR is the only decent radio station in Dallas. I'll have to figure something else out, I guess, because the car only has a tape deck and seriously, I threw out all the tapes I ever owned.

I'll let you know how it goes.

So, back to shoes, Dallas life, my husband, and my cats.

You may notice I have been sending photos of my shoes to Flickr from my desk. I don't know why I am doing this. Humor me.

Dallas life is getting better all the time. I can't believe I just said that. Anyway, we are packing the house, so there are boxes everywhere. I really love this part. I know a lot of people don't like moving, and I totally agree with the actual grunt work part sucking, but I LOVE packing and re-evaulating everything, and organizing, and labeling, and stacking neatly, and compartmentalizing, and finally leaving a room totally bare. And then starting brand new elsewhere. It's maybe another reason I just can't imagine owning a home. I get bored with my surroundings after two or three years. So it is going well. And also - I got a promotion. A rather decent one. I am really chuffed. I seem to finally have a job I like, that makes decent money. I feel suddenly grown up, with a big girl job, and two teenagers, and moving into a new house, and married, and so on and so forth. Of course, David & I have decided we'll celebrate our new income bracket with a definite Queen's Day trip to Amsterdam, and possibly a trip there also in November for the big birthday week (David on November 13, Tom on the 15th, Pal on the 21st, and Joey on the 30th - there is going to be a repeat of the great Catacombs party of last year we enjoyed a little TOO much) so perhaps that's not so grown up.

Ah. The only sad thing is we have to cancel our Marfa/Terlingua trip in October. Booo. But we'll reschedule. Yaaay.

We haven't made any progress on the honeymoon since we've been so busy. Booo. But things are settling, and we'll try to confirm by the end of the month. Yaaay.

David is great. He's SO great. He is very happy these days. He has better shifts at the bar and is making better money, which makes him feel like he is contributing more and is therefore happier. He looks sexier every day. He's been a great 'dad' to the girls, picking them up from school and taking them to the supermarket. We both love being married. To each other, that is.

This morning, when I was leaving, I leaned over the bed and kissed his temple. He opened his eyes.
A: Bye lover. I'll see you later.
D: I got the best one!

And lastly, the cats. They are so happy right now because our house is a box farm. Ernie is the cutest kitten in the whole world (sorry, Winston). I want to call him Nermal. David and I have been trying to pinpoint what it is that makes him so adorable. First of all he has those HUGE front paws, but the rest of him is so small, so that's just cute to start. But then we've decided he's really not very smart. He has a blank look about him all the time, like he's seeing everything for the very first time. It's very endearing. Ronnie the Bear finally went to the vet for some lingering allergies. He was given a mighty antibiotic, and swear to god he has not been the same cat since he got back. Not in a bad way. He's just so... docile. We were really getting used to him being an asshole. I guess his allergies were just making him miserable. Now he's less of a Bear than he was before. Tugboat has been demanding more attention recently. Gus is fat.

And that's the run-down. Have a good weekend, yo. Anyone want to go to Lee Harvey's tonight? The weather is so perfect. David's working. Then again, I guess I should pack. Oh well.

I listen to "Nothing Would Matter At All", and all I hear is this.

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesn’t make any sense.

–Rumi

Hi, anonymous.

Hi Anonymous. Thanks, I guess, for your comment. I'm not sure how you found my blog, or maybe we know each other somehow or from a long time ago? Anyway, it is a little odd to get an anonymous, Republican comment on my own little personal corner of the internet, I admit. My better instincts tell me not to engage with you, but hey. I'm a risk-taker, so what the hell.

I'm a little confused by the tone of your comment to start. Are you being friendly? Confrontational? Are you trying to convince me of something? Let me assure you that is not going to happen. After 34 years of living in different cities and countries, reading healthcare and foreign policies as part of my various jobs, and generally being smart (not tooting my own horn here - I think any of my friends would attest to that), my experience has led me to believe that the Republican small government-free market route is folly, and will eventually crumble, taking all of us down with it. My experience has also led me to believe that by voting Republican as a woman one is completely voting against one's best interests anyway, so putting aside all the governmental philosophy reasons it is a bad platform, it's a party that hates women, too (and blacks, and gays, and (fill in the blank, as long as it isn't 'white rich men'). By the way, I think there is plenty wrong with the Democrats as well, and I never drank the Obama kool-aid. They just have more in common with my philosophies of the two major parties. So I'm just saying - not sure what think you are gaining by posting your generalistic and unimaginative thoughts on this blog. I don't mean that in a mean way, but you aren't saying anything that I haven't thought of - probably in more depth than you have by the sound of it.

Lillet pretty much summed up my thoughts on your comment, but how about a couple more? First of all, I can only assume you are a new reader, because I've said outright that I think we should pay even more taxes for better social services. Also, if you have read my writing for any length of time, you would know that I lived and worked in Europe for five years. Believe me, there are far better governmental systems out there and a good handful of them work much better than ours. If we could completely re-shape our thinking and have a more collective, Netherlands-ish view of how to live, it definitely could work. Government is not inherently inept. OUR goverment is just inept. Have I done the math on how much I think we should pay? Not really, because what I think relies on a completely different sort of system. Math based on the current one is a useless exercise.

So what if parties in charge change? The kind of social system I'm talking about doesn't necessarily change just because someone different is holding the reins. The kind of system I'm talking about requires a philosophical paradigm shift - a shift that would require everyone to start recognizing that they have a societal interest in helping each other, not just looking out for oneself. Believe me, I know this is never going to happen in America - at least not anytime soon. We are too self-centered and personally selfish, as your comment "I DON'T think it's fair for government to put an inordinate tax burden on ME because I've worked my ass off and put in years of time, energy, and sacrifice to excel professionally" illustrates. But it IS my dream for us.

You think it is your civic duty to contribute to your society, but you support a party that, in essence, doesn't. I hope that you are an active volunteer somewhere, because that's the sort of societal contribution that Republicans support. Don't get me wrong - I'm not anti-volunteerism. I just don't think that should be the basis for good social programming.

"If you are liberal and practice what you preach, you should embrace a variety of views, not just those that go along with your belief system." I don't get it. If I am liberal and practive what I preach, I should embrace ideologies that are counter to my beliefs? That's just stupid. I never said people can't say what they want, or believe what they want to believe. I just think that most people are woefully uninformed, and make decisions based on personality, sound bites, and commercials. I believe that if people were smarter and more forward-thinking, they would see the benefit in well-funded, well-managed social systems. In foreign policy that goes beyond "we're going to smoke him out" and "I can see Russia from my house". If you are supporting McCain-Palin this year, which I have to believe you are, you are essentially saying "fuck you" to the world, your children, and, honestly, yourself. Nice.

Republicans make myopic decisions. I'm glad you get to keep so much of your money. Good for you. Good for me. Right now. But when you are in a car accident, say, and lose your job, and eventually lose your health insurance, and can't feed your children, I'm sure you'll wonder why there aren't more social systems to help you in your time of need. Unless, of course, you are very very wealthy, in which case it makes sense you don't worry about people who go through that exact same scenario every day. I, on the other hand, am well aware that my life, while comfortable right now, is carefully balanced on fate. I hope I don't get cancer, because I KNOW our system would fail me, my husband, and my family.

By the way, just because you think people should have the right to burn the American flag doesn't make you open-minded. I hate it when people use that example. Woopie for you. I think women should have the right to choose, even though I probably wouldn't get an abortion myself. I think gay people should have the right to marry. There's always a counter-example that a real Republican would bristle at. And if you also believe in my two examples, there is absolutely NO reason you should be Republican.

So, whatever. Those are my thoughts. Respond or not, I don't care, though I probably won't respond to you again if you do. Sorry if you are someone I know from college or something, who happened to find me here. I'm a nice person, who really just wants to use this blog to talk mostly about shoes, Dallas life, my husband, and my cats. But I really take umbrage with anyone who will accuse me of somehow being close-minded to other views. Anyone who knows me or has read this blog for any length of time knows that simply isn't true. But I have strong belief in my own world views. So please reconsider how you phrase things in the future to people you (I assume) don't know.

Things I don't understand.

1. Women who vote Republican.

2. Blacks/latinos/any racial group other than white who vote Republican.

3. Log Cabin Republicans.

4. Refusing to use a turn signal.

5. Eating Funyuns for breakfast.

6. T-shirts that cost more than $25; I don't care who they are made by. I'm looking at you, St. John.

7. Parenting, generally.

8. Why people get freaked out by the concept of collective and/or governmental administration of healthcare, social services, and financial regulation.

9. Slasher films.

10. Celebrity cults.

11. Personality politics.

12. "I'm a fiscal Republican, but a social Democrat".

13. Why Kucinich doesn't get the respect he deserves.

14. Why Palin gets more respect than she deserves.

15. Why I can't stop thinking about politics though it is giving me constant low-grade anxiety.

16. Hungarian, despite my best efforts for 2 years.

17. Miley Cyrus.

18. Animal cruelty.

19. Human cruelty.

20. Why it is so hard to stop having my one diet coke a morning. THIS IS WORSE THAN CIGARETTES, PEOPLE.

21. Blindly buying into the wedding industry machine.

22. Big Red.

23. Why DSW won't just give me all those cute Marc Jacobs pumps. GIMME.

24. Cats.

25. Babies.

26. Most of Barthes writing, though I'm down with analysis & criticism of it.

27. Myopic choices.

28. 2001: A Space Odyssey. Honestly, I've seen it a million times and I just lose it there at the end.

29. People who do not like cheese.

30. Dimensions beyond the basic four. My mind is blown when I try to conceptualize this.

p.s. YES!

Composed.

OK, I feel lots better today. Maybe I just needed a good salmon pasta and a cool night's rest, because I got both. Thanks, Hurricane Ike, for blowing in some actual autumn-esque weather! I wasn't sweating when I woke up, and I even wore some light boots yesterday. And, as you know, boots make me very happy.

Just to clarify, I don't have any plans to shutter this blog. As you know, I've been pondering the changing nature of it for some time, and those three posts yesterday struck me with how EXACTLY they verbalized what I was thinking. Maybe I should also just admit that my crazy party single days are now over, and while I once could regale you with letters from Drinking With Spectacular Abandon and stories from the Sleeping-With-My-23-year-Old-Upstairs-Neighbor-File, those sorts of stories just aren't going to happen anymore.

I guess it really just boils down to the fact that yesterday I was feeling mighty old and boring.

I think I'll color my hair again. It's time. This natural blonde looks has grown tiresome. Plus, David has three blondes now, which is just way too many. NO ONE MAN SHOULD HAVE THREE BLONDES TO HIMSELF.

So we've made a big decision. I think we're going to buy a television. I know! Crazy. We'll get something that is flat and decent for watching movies and playing video games. We won't get digital satellite or cable or whatever it is these days that produces a million channels. Just something unobtrusive, and something we can plug a laptop into, so we can have a HUGE GIANT MONITOR. Though that doesn't exactly make it sound UNOBTRUSIVE.

Speaking of television, I see that this new show Mad Men is all the rage. David and I saw the commercials when we were in the hotel in San Francisco, and I have to say I was left soundly uninterested and unimpressed. Is it really that good? Just looked like a highly stylized portrayal of late-1950s sexual harassment, which frankly I'm not so interested in. But then again, I'd rather watch comedy anyday.

Mind you, I'd love it if we still all dressed like the Mad Men cast. Sometimes, anyway. They looked pretty smoking on the commercials.

Sad because.

I'm sort of low today.

Various things, but mostly I am coming to terms with how I am perceived as an actual grown-up by other people. That sounds stupid in a way - I've been a working adult for years. But the exchange students we are parenting make me realize how I'm a generation ahead of them (David actually noted that the t-shirt he had on yesterday was from 1991, and I remarked that he got it the year one of the girls WAS BORN), and I'm seen in the same mental box in which they put their mothers, and I feel really sad about that. I don't know why, even. It is not like I want to be eighteen again - not at all. I guess it is just a difficult adjustment when one realizes there is a disconnect between how one sees herself and how others see her. Or when one must face the inevitable fact of aging. I may be a YOUTHFUL 34, but I'm still 34, and growing no younger.

I'm sad about David Foster Wallace.

I'm sad because I have been feeling more adrift on this blog than ever, noticing my change in approach and desire to writing - never mind my actual access problems. Then I read Ariel today, and the links she cites, and it all resonated around the entirety of what I'm feeling now - I'm older, and my posts are necessarily different, and my priorities have changed, and now what? 

[Maybe I just liked it better when this blog was me and some friends and I was able to be open and honest in ways I don't feel I am now. Like in the bluishorange post, I've been pondering starting a private LJ for some time now. I have never HIDDEN anything on this blog, but the degree of laying myself bare has changed. It changed when I met David and it was no longer just about MY life. It changed when his ex and her friends found it - not that I cared much, but it was then I first realized that maybe I had a minority audience that did not necessarily wish me well. It changed with the rise of Facebook. It changed when I was no longer able to write from work, I'll be honest. Rare are the nights I want to sit at the computer. Though tonight is one of those nights.

I look at my stats every day, so I know who is visiting. It makes me happy that there are friends (and strangers - I can't know who you are, but I can see when you return!) out there who care enough to check in on how I am doing! Ashbloemstraat seems more of a meeting point now, a place where we all come back together after wandering the mall with different friend groups, and maybe that's just fine. I don't mind having a diary that generally just tracks what is going on in my life; where David & I are on the family planning scale; what shoes I am wearing. But I am going to do some more pondering on what to do with the more deeply personal stuff. I feel BETTER when I write it out - I am, oftentimes to David's annoyance, a writer before a talker -  but I need, in my older age, a less public place to do it. Whether that means LJ or back to an actual PAPER JOURNAL (ZOMG!), we shall see. No big changes until we move, at any rate.]

I'm sad because I started running again this weekend after five months or so of not, and it hurt.

I'm sad that I've grown to dislike my grandparents' house: the house my grandmother passed away in; the last place I saw my grandfather alive. The place I ate every Thanksgiving and Christmas meal in until I was 18. I have said over and over that I am not sentimentally attached to the house, and honestly, I'm not. But now that I am letting it go, I can't deny that I'm thinking about these things again, and I'm sad they are so stained by the miserable experience of the past year and a half. And while these memories aren't enough to keep me here, they are enough to make me a little tearful that I couldn't make it work.

I'm sad I haven't knit anything in so long. I need to find a really fun project for the winter, and a couple babies to clothe, and then I'll feel a lot more excited. I certainly have YARN out the wazzoo, so this autumn should be better for it.

I'm sad because... honestly? I'm not convinced at all we're going to win this thing. I am keeping my expectations on the lowest setting I can manage, but I still think I'll weep come November.

Sigh.

To cheer me up, I'm looking for a Dutch tutor. Anyone know one in the Dallas area?

You take the good; you take the bad.

Everything is looking up, really, even if we do have a big move on the horizon and the transmission alert signal came on in the car yesterday. I keep thinking about our new house, and thinking already about where to put alllll our books, and how we'll actually be able to eat in our kitchen. Also, we have a sweet little front porch where we can put a nice table and eat there too. Yay. Of course, I can't actually remember if we have a dishwasher. That's the only thing that's a little cloudy, but hey. We've been without one now for several months, so I guess we'll make do if we don't.

One bad thing - I can't swing going to the last two weddings of the year. It's a crying shame - literally, I wanted to cry a bit when I finally admitted it to myself - but two more weddings, after three (four?) others (one of which was ours, and I'm still paying off), is just an impossibility. Especially when they are both in the Boston area, but two weeks apart! If it was one week apart, MAYBE I could have swung it. Maybe. It still would have been tough though.

Another bad thing - I really am going to have to review how much time I spend listening/reading to news, because I am starting to get a little too anxious and angry about the whole thing. Yesterday I actually cried on the way home, listening to NPR interview "regular folk" about who they are planning to vote for. Did anyone listen to this story? They took a racially mixed group - most of the white people planned on voting for McCain, while all the people of (various) color chose Obama. One of the white ladies said "There is just something about that Obama I don't trust". Also cited that it was because he was Muslim. When asked if she had heard that had been totally refuted, she said "I still believe he is". PLEASE, SOMEONE, tell me why people can't use analytical and logical thought to draw conclusions? Why are people racist? These are rhetorical questions. I know it is because they are stupid.

And then, an interview with Laura Bush, where she extolled the virtues of community involvement and service. When the interviewer asked her about the rather snarky comments regarding "community organizers" at the RNC last week, she replied "Well, I don't know what a community organizer IS. I'm talking about people who are working with children in their community to keep them off the street." Um....right.

Anyway, I was just so frustrated by the stupidity of it all, and how MUCH I HATE Sarah Palin - like Lillet says, she represents the WORST kind of feminism to me, not to mention she's plain bat-shit crazy - and how the Republican machine is so dirty and full of lying, manipulating sacks of shit that I just couldn't keep the tears back. Mind you, I am not even an ardent Obama-raman! I just can't stand spin. Fuck all of them.

When the tears were under control, the car lurched and the transmission alert signal came on. Uh-oh. I mean, I don't expect much from a $900 car, but it couldn't have been worse timing. I did take it in this morning, and while it is probably on its last legs, it's still safe to drive, so at least that's some good news.

But I'm still so happy! Promise!

The biggest debate in our life right now has to do with our little students. It's only been 10 days or so, but we're growing rather fond of them. David and I are considering whether we want to offer ourselves as family for the rest of the school year. It's a tough decision. It's been a big lifestyle change for a couple weeks. It adds a bit to our food costs. We have to be marginally responsible most of the time (this is not a bad thing). We'd probably have to be careful about how often we stumble home from Lakewood Landing or the Wine Therapist (also, not a bad thing). On the other hand, they are making friends fast - already going to their first party tonight - and I'm thinking they will be out and about more than in, so they will be in our hair MUCH less. Also, we'll be much closer to their high school, and they can walk or bike easy and we won't have to take them. It's sort of fun showing them around and they are charming as anything. I just don't know. I can't decide. I hate to uproot them in a month, but I also am looking forward to our new married life together in our new home. Hrm. But I also think even if they stay, May will be here before we know it, and then they will leave, and we will cry. What do you guys think?